Welcome to my first live blog!!! I hope to inform, enlighten and prod you into laughter. Maybe the Kings will win too as an added bonus.

First off, let’s introduce a drinking game…

Every time Francisco Garcia turns the ball over, well, you get the idea. If you follow along at home you will likely be quite smashed, so I must implore all of you to stop after the first quarter.

• Pre-game - Salmons is gonna play. Sweet. I was not looking forward to a Beno-Douby backcourt tandem. Grant Napear is already in full throat. He is simply absurd and unnecessarily spastic. Jerry Reynolds is wearing a salmon-colored shirt. Hopefully this doesn’t degenerate into a fashion column.
• Umm, The Jeffersons theme is playing during a bump to commercial. WTF, mate?
• Reggie Theus knows how to speak and I like listening to him. It’s nice not having to listen to a frightened little boy-coach like last year. At least we fired Adelman in order to hire a tiny DUI machine.
• There are 98 people at ARCO tonight. Good job, Kings fans!

First Quarter

• 11:11 - Salmons is a great finisher. He and Martin are both great at the hanging jumper for the and one (5-2).
• 10:03 - BENO! Steal and layup over Darko “Sad Bunny” Milicic (9-2).
• 9:26 - Conley is finally getting a chance to start. Who knew that he would be better than Damon Stoudamire? Oh. Right. Everyone.
• 8:50 - Mikki Moore needs to not take outside shots. And by outside, I mean shots where he isn’t able to physically touch the rim.
• 7:41 - There goes the nine-point lead. Aaaaaaaaand the Kings are behind by 3 now. Brad Miller is slower than is even possible. 12-0 run for the Grizz. God. (11-14)
• Make that a 14-0 run.
• 6:31 - Ballhandling! Beno is a terrible shooter.
• 6:02 - Francisco for 3. He’s turning into a somewhat reliable scorer.
• There ya go, Mikki. A dunk. (16-16)
• 4:57 - DRINK!!!
• 4:25 - Napear: “Salmons…SALMONS…SALMONS!!!!!!!!” What a spazz.
• Great dunk by Brad. We’re getting inside on these silly billies. I remember when Brad couldn’t jump over a phone book. The White Pages, not Yellow. (22-18)
• Oh God. Kings Dancers. I suddenly just got happy and awake.
• “He looks slovenly and unkempt.” - my friend Mike on Pau Gasol.
• 2:35 - Dahntay Jones is in. Even though he’s a Dookie I still like him. Don’t judge me.
• The tally for the McDonald’s iced coffee commercial begins!!! It will be on at least eight times. Bank on it.
• 2:08 - Spencer Hawes is coming in. That makes me sad and uncomfortable.
• Seven seconds into his appearance, Hawes has a foul. Way to make an impact, you butthole.
• Brad never misses anymore. (26-21)
• 1:10 - Alley-oop from Brad to Francisco. Beautiful. (28-21)
• Brad runs like a critically injured walrus.
• Douby with the rainmaker to end the quarter. Nice. Unfortunately that will only encourage him to take future shots. (30-24)

Second Quarter

• 11:53 - Foul on Hawes! Weeeeeeeeeee!
• 10:40 - Umm, Hawes made a shot. Weird. (34-27)
• Pau Gasol is a lot better than Hawes.
• Beno for 3!!!
• Hawes turnover. My God.
• 8:27 - 39-31 Kings. Go Beno.
• It’s the always unnecessary AIR SLAMSON!!! Way to go. That’s good entertainment for children.
• Who is Kyle Lowry? Anyone?
• Beno is making me feel all warm and fuzzy right now. Nine straight Kings points. (43-36)
• Salmons is my special boy. Slashing to the hoop. (45-39)
• Hmm, more Zoom Imaging commercials with the always great Gary Johnson. He is super entertaining and fun. COPY MACHINES!!! These commercials remind me of the Family Guy flashback of Stewie in Nebraska talking to patrons at a diner about corn. “Corn is always interesting.”
• “He looks like my sister.” - Mike on Mike Miller. I happen to think he looks like a Buffy vampire.
• Gasol just blocked Brad 62 consecutive times. It was fun to watch in a really sad, pathetic way.
• Hooray for Juan Carlos Navarro!!! Another wide open three. (45-44)
• 3:45 - Ugh. Mike’s sister for three. And then a dunk off a steal. A 10-0 run for the Grizz. (45-49)
• Marc Iavaroni is clearly an accountant who snuck into the arena unseen and started telling the players what to do.
• 2:20 - The Kings sure are insistent on passing to Mikki. I haven’t quite figured out why. Turnover.
• 2:07 - 12-0 run for Memphis. Weak.
• 1:36 - Brad gets two from the line. Holy CRAP they scored. (47-51)
• 1:06 - Garcia finally hits another shot. (50-51)
• Rudy Gay has 14 points? I haven’t even noticed him out there. (53-50)
• Salmons finally scores again, too. (53-52)
• Wow. Salmons is a great finisher. I love him like a play cousin. (54-56 at the half)

Halftime

• Seriously…why is his name FAT LEVER!?!?!? Also, why is he working with the Kings? Didn’t he play for the Nuggets for like 30 years?
• Hawes sure is charismatic in these Folsom Lake Ford commercials. He’s highly off-putting. “Surprisingly he’s a better actor than he is at basketball.” - Mike.
• McDonald’s iced coffee!!! That makes two. Get ready for several more. And OH NO!!! The commercial with the guy with the ugly couch! Wow. What a grand viewing experience these commercials are.
• Did Rex Kalamian win a contest to become an assistant coach for a day or something? How many are there, exactly?

Third Quarter

• 11: 18 - Mikki just took a turnaround jumper from 18 feet. Michael Jordan must be turning over in his grave.
• 11:16 - Tied up at 56.
• 10:45 - Garcia is pretty good when he isn’t turning the ball over like it’s a bodily function. (58-58)
• Salmons with some D!!! Knocked it off Conley on a drive attempt. Beauty.
• Conley is gonna be a really good player. Drove past the entire Kings D like they weren’t even there. (60-60)
• Hakim Warrick has an impressive devil beard thing happening. I dig.
• Wow. Go Beno. Finish strong, son. And one…(65-65)
• 6:00 - I really hate Mike’s sister. Another three. (65-68)
• The number of empty seats in the arena makes me very angry. What a fickle group of fans we have here.
• Oh my hell. Gasol just dunked nasty over Mikki. That was gross. (69-73)
• BRAD!!! He just sent back a sick dunk on the Grizz. Wa-wa-wee-wah!
• 3:32 - Justin Williams finally checks in. This guy needs more time. Simple as that. He does the things the Kings have always needed. He needs to be getting 18-20 minutes a night.
• 3:13 - Memphis kinda creeping ahead right now. Kings need to stop this momentum. Umm, Williams is out after 19 seconds. Awesome. (72-78)
• Garcia’s got his shot goin tonight. (74-78)
• Salmons driving hard again for the bucket. Nice little mini-run happening. (76-78) I am…The Prognosticator.
• Mike Miller just took 42 steps and they didn’t call it. Awesome.
• I still hate Mike Miller. ANOTHER three. (78-85)
• :55.0 - Hawes’ return!!! I smell comeback.
• Douby loves that floater. Nice, nice. (81-85 after three)
• McDonald’s iced coffee!!! Oh man. Cleverness. That’s three.

Fourth Quarter

• Darko might be worse at basketball than me. Seriously. It’s really close.
• Dahntay Jones just fouled out after playing like three minutes.
• 10:41 - Garcia again. Real nice game tonight scoring the ball. (83-87)
• 9:13 -The fourth quarter turnover fiesta has begun. YAY!!! (83-91)
• Douby is playing like a small child with poor motor skills right now.
• 8:39 - Hmm. Salmons got the ball and got a layup. Might be something to that.
• 8:00 - 95-85. This is turning super weak super fast.
• Salmons touches it and scores. So…keep giving it to him maybe?
• 6:28 - Salmons is just a freak. He is the only one who can do anything right now. Great follow-up and one. (90-97)
• 5:55 - Brad with a nice little flip shot on the assist from Salmons. Come on, guys. Keep it going. I have a man crush on Salmons…can you tell? (92-97)
• Pau has two airballs tonight. What a tool.
• SALMONS!!! Wow. (94-97)
• Beno for three. Good stuff here. (97-99)
• 3:58 - Kings at the line for the rest of the night. Brad makes both. (99-101)
• 3:43 - Rudy Gay is really good, but I hate him. (99-104)
• 3:30 - Beno at the line. Nice. (101-104)
• 2:41 - Mikki with the layup. Great feed from Brad. (103-104)
• 2:14 - Gay. (103-106)
• 1:58 - Beno. (105-106)
• This crap’s getting intense. I can’t make myself get up to take a much-needed leak.
• 1:42 - Conley makes two at the line. (105-108)
• 1:05 - Garcia at the line for two off of a terrible foul by Gay. (107-108)
• :46.4 - Gay with an absurd three (107-111)
• :23.0 - Salmons puts one in after a frantic brick spree. (109-111)
• Rudy Gay is unbelievable. He is the next Shawn Marion.
• :22.1 - Pau at the line. Missed one. Beautiful. (109-112)
• I really, really need to pee. But we’re all in this together.
• :18.7 - DOUBY!?!?!? What a stupid idea/shot. It went in though. Geez. (111-112)
• :18.0 - Conley at the line. Beno rebound! Woot. (111-113)
• Oh my goodness. Serious. Kidney. Damage.
• :07.9 - WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO!!! Garcia!!! Oh man. I love him so much right now. My God. How great it is to see a big shot from a Kings player. (114-113)
• Too much goddamn time left, but. Come on guys. Get one friggin’ stop. If Gay gets a shot off here I am going to injure myself.
• :02.8 - GAY OUTTA BOUNDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! This is amazing and absurd and beautiful. Kings ball. Oh my frozen hell this is unbelievable.
• :02.5 - Brad at the line. Made both then stole the inbounds pass.

Kings 116, Grizzlies 113 FINAL

That was an amazing win. The kind that can build character. Whew! I’m glad you came along to experience this with me. Great, great fourth quarter by the Kings.

Salmons, Brad, Garcia, Douby and Beno all get game balls for this one.

See you Saturday when the Kings take on the Pacers.

Oh, and to leave you, the iced coffee commercial is on again. Showing number four. Goodnight.